In the Ruby Vault

In the ruby vault Sorrow rushes in
most unexpectedly.
Two pools of blue, and black spider-legs
The voice of a lost Angel.

No more tympanic symphony--
Only sounds that open the Water-faucet

In the ruby vault regret ebbs
a vision of the man in white--
The sparkling feathers
And the irremediable lacerations

I want to colour the sky gold again please
Please let me
Unlock my paints brushes inspiration
that wait in the recesses of the ruby vault.

...

The only real fruit of studying for my philosophy final so far is this poem.

Crayons

"Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8 color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64 color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64 color box, though I've got a few missing. It's okay though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8 color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation. So when I meet someone who's an 8 color type...I'm like, hey girl, Magenta! and she's like, oh, you mean purple! and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, no I want Magenta!"
-John Mayer

Falling into the Wardrobe

"On the train ride from London Euston to Manchester, I was thinking a lot about lessons learned while I have been gone from Canada. In some ways, I feel like a type of Lucy, who has ventured into a strange and enchanted world somewhere in the recesses of a wardrobe. Life before was so mundane, and so normal...

Now my eyes have been opened to another world entirely. I have learned so much of God and His character. I have been moved to tears over and over in the presence of His holiness. I have experienced splagnidzomai for the strangers I pass on the streets of these foreign places.

Also, this time in the wardrobe has most certainly been warped. I feel as though home is a million light years away, but in some regards it is as if time has passed in the blinking of an eye.

So what happens when I exit the wardrobe? How will I be changed, and how will I change others? Will there be a way to open the doors of the wardrobe again? Is there a way to bring some of the magic back into the mundane? I certainly hope so."

-Excerpt from my personal journal (April 26, 2010)

I have been thinking about how my relationship with God has changed since Capernwray. As I wrote earlier, in England I learned SO much about God's character. I am ever thankful for my experience.

That being said, I knew my experience there was not something I would be able to carry out in the same way at home. In England, I read approximately 10 chapters from the Bible every day, so as to finish reading it in its entirety within 6 months.

Presently, I do not read my Bible nearly as much. But there have been moments of life so rich since I've been home, even though I have not been reading the Bible in the same way I did at school. I don't mean to say that spending adequate time reading God's Word is not important for spiritual growth. It is absolutely crucial.

However, simply learning to experience life with Christ--learning to live a beautiful life with Him in the "normal stuff"--is just as critical, I think.

Christmas was a couple weeks ago, and as usual I read Luke 2. As it is written, the angels come to the shepherds and tell them that a Saviour has been born in Bethlehem--basically that the wonderful King they have been waiting for all this time has come. After hearing this, the shepherds went to Bethlehem to visit the newborn Messiah, and found Him to be as the angels had said.

I think it must have been something quite wonderful to hear of this life-saving King, and then to go and find it to be exactly as they were told. It must have been something marvelous to see that it is not false, not a rumour, not exaggerated--but miraculously true.

For me now, the magic of the wardrobe is finding the God I heard about at Capernwray to be as I have heard. Provider. Shephered. Lord. Comforter. Holy.

Other stuff:
I had coffee with a good friend tonight who challenged me to read the book of Deuteronomy, and note all the passages that say something about God's heart, and to look for why God gave the people the law. I will try to post my thoughts as I read through this book.

I bought John Mayer's "Battle Studies" from iTunes tonight. It's SO good.

I will be in Ft Lauderdale, Florida in approximately 40 days! I can't wait.

The Hug Poem - Bradley Hathaway

The Hug Poem

Bradley Hathaway

...

I read about how you touched them, and they were healed

Or even if someone just touched your cloak

they were forever changed

You let a broken woman bathe your feet in her tears

and you washed your best friends' feet.

I'm just wondering though,

Did you ever just hug people?

I mean I know it's a silly question and all,

I am sure you would have, why wouldn’t you?

But its one of those things that was never mentioned that got me thinking about it...

And how whenever there was a touch from you,

sins were forgiven and sickness fell.

I think I’m caught up in my sins,

last time I checked all my body parts were properly working,

nothing special here.

I am just a kid with a heavy heart

these passing sunrises and sunsets.

I don’t think our encounter would have ended up in the gospels or anything

Because all I really need is a hug.

That's okay for me to imagine right?

That’s not going to be conflicting with any sort of theology is it?

Okay good, then hug me.

But not one of these sideways one arm around the neck type hugs

Or the ghetto right hand clasp fists elbows to chest

pat pat on the back back

Or you put your right arm over my left arm

and I put my right arm under your left arm

and we make this weird sort of diagonal thing.

No, none of those!

BEAR HUG ME MAN!

Take your old school carpenter arms

and throw them over my upper body

leaving my arms dangling

underneath yours somewhere so

I can barely move them because you're squeezing so hard.

(But don’t pick me up and make my back pop because I hate it when people do that).

And then hold me,

hold me here in your arms until I start to cry because

I WANT TO CRY

But I just can’t seem to do it on my own

I have been teary eyed once recently but not even enough for a

drip down my cheek.

There's just hurt in my soul that needs to be purged

so hold me in this hugging pose until the pain is flowing from my eyes and nose.

...

I could really use a hug right now.

Midterms!

The past week or so has been relatively insane as far my studies have gone, and in terms of what I have learned.

I spent thanksgiving weekend hitting the books, and not in the literal sense. Although I probably wouldn't have minded literally hitting some of them by the end.

Last Thursday was my Philosophy midterm, which I haven't gotten the results of yet, but I feel as though I did well on it. The test was just answering 3 essay questions. SO much writing! I wrote a good 10 pages double sided, I think.

This week Tuesday was my Chemistry Lab Problem Session. It was challenging, especially given the time limit. I feel better about today though--I wrote my Biology midterm this morning and I think I did really well on it. Or I hope so anyway! You never quite know at university it seems.

I'm looking forward to all this craziness ending...tests at university make me so anxious. For the two midterms I've written so far, I've woken up at 5am on the day of the test, and ended up just heading off to school really early in the morning since I am too worried to sleep and too preoccupied to eat breakfast or anything like that. It's a bad feeling...but I guess I end up getting a couple extra hours of studying in this way?

After my midterm today, I went to the gym like I do every Wednesday. It felt so good to just be able to not think about studying for an hour or two, and sweat some of the stress off.

After all, you know you've studied too much when you comment to your mom that the family laundry basket looks like a mitochondria.

Then later in the afternoon, I went to my first Campus for Christ meeting, which was interesting. It was a little awkward, just because we don't know each other really at all yet, but I think it will get better with time, and could turn out to be really fun and beneficial.

We talked about living a spirit-filled life, that is, learning to have Christ at the center of our lives more and more. I think all Christians have times when they put themselves first...I think it's what's natural for humans. If there is anyone out there who always has God first, I admire them wholeheartedly.

For me...I'm thankful God is gracious, and forgiving to me. I mess up a lot, and get wrapped up in my own worries far too often. I want to control everything that happens and give it to Him at the same time...but I know this kind of paradox is not possible. It's all or nothing, as far as I'm concerned, and I want Him to have it all.

And I need Him. I think I would be such a wreck if I didn't have Him in my life.

To Walk Those Roads Again

A year ago today, I would have had my first day of lectures at Capes. I would have been exploring the grounds around Capes for the first time. I would have been doing my daily duty for the first time! I would have been having one of the best days ever.

I wish I could be back, walking those winding roads. I wish I was running under the stars, faster than them all, and feeling the crisp evening air in my lungs. I wish I was hearing Rachel talk about Jon, giggling with Deborah, and seeing Yejin dance in her crazy pajama pants. I wish I was trying out for netball!

All this said, I had a really good day here at "home" today. I learned a lot in my lectures at uni, had some great conversations with lovely people, won a pair of socks (which I actually really need, since most of mine are fully of holes), and even finished my biology lab early so I could get out and enjoy the sun.

I am glad it was sunny today, and not just for obvious reasons. For a while, feeling the heat of the sun on my skin and nearly being blinded by its brilliance took me back to those first few days at Capes, and the beauty of it all.

I felt God closer than my skin today, and that is a lovely feeling. I know he is here with me, and that brings such peace and comfort and joy, and even happiness. I am so in love with my Saviour. I only wish I could show it to Him better.

Icarus

For my English class, I have been studying poetry based on the Greek mythological character, Icarus. In summary, he is trying to escape from the island of Crete. His father is an inventor of sorts and crafts Icarus wings made of feathers and wax. Once the "flying machine" is created, the father instructs Icarus not to fly too close to the sun, or its heat will melt the wax and Icarus will go plummeting into the sea below. He also tells Icarus not to fly too low to the water, because then his wings would become weighed down and he would drown.

In the end, Icarus makes a foolish decision and flies too close to the sun and tragically plummets into a watery grave: the sea below.

A poem I found particularly striking this week was "Musee des Beaux Arts". I forget the poet's name off the top of my head...I think it's W.H. Auden. Anyway, the poem itself is really quite interesting. It's short--only two stanzas long. The first stanza discusses the life of Jesus, and how many people did not notice the miraculous things or the "dreadful martyrdom" he experienced, because their lives were too busy to truly see.

The second stanza brings Icarus into play. There's this painting by Brueghel (I think he may be Belgian), that depicts the demise of Icarus. In the painting, there are people walking around and going about their own business, and it seems as if they do not even notice Icarus' white legs, sticking out of the sea.



The point is, we pass people whose lives are falling to pieces on the proverbial street every day. Sometimes the catastrophes are obvious, and maybe we choose not to get involved or to see, because we don't like being uncomfortable. Or maybe, sadly enough, sometimes we are just truly too narcissistic to see past our own problems.

I know that the next time I feel like my world is crumbling, I want someone to notice, and to be there with me.

I hope that I can be the kind of person, with the help of Christ, who isn't afraid to be inconvenienced.

So go ahead, inconvenience me!